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5 Years

Thank you to…

…Those that befriended me and showed me that there was more to life than what I had and helped me realize I had the strength to change it. 

…The boy who stayed by my side, loved me and then left me; I needed you to keep me away from the life I knew, I needed you to show me what a broken heart felt like.

You were the first one I can say I really was in love with and when you left it hurt like HELL… I survived and eventually moved on… I hope you are happy in your new relationship you will always be remembered for the role you played in my journey to a new me.


…The big brother whom wanted to be more but settled for a friendship; I had many of nights that were lonely and talking to you helped me get thru them. We have a lot in common when it comes to relationships and I will always love you as my Big Brother and for just being a good listener.


…The one I tried to put in that gaping hole in my heart. You made me feel beautiful and sexy. But you also showed me what being used felt like and lied too, and most of all what an ASS was...  You weren’t the only one, there was the young cocky body builder, the business man, the redneck truck driver, and there was the program director, whom was the biggest ASS of all and a few more that I kept making mistakes with…


…The new friends that I meet finding myself and getting used to being independent. Some of you are still around here and there… each of you have special place in my heart for the special places you took me… physically and mentally.


Now to the one that who made the biggest impact of all… you came into my life just before my love left me, we became friends and confided in each other. I learned to deal with you in a way that no one else would, while you tried your best to protect me from the world. I loved you like no other friend I had ever had and even though your mothering bothered me at times it was also nurturing at others. By watching you handle yourself with others, I learned a lot and eventually I became me again, only stronger.

          Our friendship made a huge turn when I found the next person I will talk about; his presence in my life was new and you weren’t sure if I was ready. It has been a year since then and I have done really well about keeping my sanity and my life the way I want it… and I owe that to you.


…The one that I have longed for the most in my life; a man who cares and loves me enough to let me be me… You have only been in my life a year and I feel closer to you than I have any man. You have given me the love that I thought was never possible. We live a life of humanity and it is wonderful. You have made me as content as I have ever been…


I know that you think I am being sappy but in all that I have been through over the past 5 years I have had many people come and go. You see that is what it is all about, I read once that some people are meant to be in your life a life time, and well others are only meant to be there for a short time; a specific moment, a lesson, a crutch, who knows…. To all of those who helped me change my life for the better, whether it was a short time or forever and whether there was lesson in it or not… I want to say THANK YOU!!


It has been a rough two days. I have been up and down and lonely for the most part. I am on new medication and it will be a few days before I see how they will help me. I am going to see a councelor today to spill out my obsessions and see if she can give me some advice or whatever...maybe she will tell me I am crazy and I will at least have an excuse for being the way I am...

I started my new meds on Wednesday morning I couldn't really tell I had taken any but yesterday I woke up with a headache that lasted all damn day. It made me feel even worse...I hope it is not my medicine. I haven't taken it today yet, but lets hope it doesn't make my head hurt.

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Why is it that those who you adore and want to understand can't always see where you are coming from? And then you turn to those who should know you best and they really don't care. My family sucks...I do love them and don't wish any ill will on them but they don't care about what I am going thru...I feel really alone right now. I know I have done this to myself but life is being hateful to me right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok...I don't need advice or solutions...just a little nurturing...something I haven't gotten in almost two years. 

Depression does crazy things to you and it is very hard to function at times. I could make my daughter stay with her dad...quit my job and go to work in some fast food resturant to make just enough money to live off of, food, car payment, insurance and gas. But I want something better than that....I really do but I have learned that it don't come to you all at once you have to be patient. It is hard to be patient sometimes.

I have been crying today...I feel all alone today. I want to be alone today. 

Rejection, Jealousy, Lonelyness are all evil!!

A new piercing.

I did it ... I took the plunge...I finally got my tongue pierced. It is a little sore and ackward, but no regrets so far.

No words

 I am getting to the point of not caring anymore. Physically I feel tired and sleepy and have all week...damn overcast sky. I have moments of sadness, and lazyness. I get aggrivated easily. I want to just do nothing. I don't understand what is going on with me and I feel so bad that I am not being myself. I feel like I just need to get away from everyone, except Amanda, for awhile. But I have to work so I can't just do that. 

I don't know. I just need to go home. 

Feeling Better

Oh man am I sleepy...and it is going to be a long night. 

I am feeling much better. Doc uped my dosage on my meds and it will take a while but I know I will be back to my old self again...ooo that is scary...let's try I will be a new me...lol. I am waking up tired but not dreading the day anymore. It does help that the sun is shining and I have all summer to get over this thing. 

I am going to drive to Charlotte to spend the night and do some photos for the first time by myself. I know I will be ok, but it will seem odd without my bestest there looking after me...haha....looking after me...my second mom...lol.

Me, April and my daughter have a date with a photographer this evening. My girl has an oppurtunity to get into the modeling business. I am hopefully but still not counting my chickens yet. She is not feeling good today I hope she feels better by this evening. This appointment can not be missed. 

Well back to work...I don't think I have done anything all day....:(
Tile :Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Blah, blah, blah

How do you let yourself believe the truth? When deep down inside you don't feel the way you should about yourself? You don't feel the way your friends or family do...I am very mixed up inside my head. I have an urge to believe I am beautiful inside and out, but sometimes life hands you things that makes you want to believe other things about the person you are. I am not completely happy about my body, but who is right? I need to get off my ass and do something about it right? Well, it isn't that easy. The person inside my head tells me that I am fat and that the reason that I am alone is because people love my face and when they see the rest they want to back away( shush April). Or when they see that I am over weight they tell themselves I could be a great fuck but not relationship material. Do I really have use me I am weak on my forehead? Okay I am going to just type some random things here, my close friends may understand them. 

I am hurt, I am very hurt....I expect respect and consideration given to me when I give it...
I am angry, because people are immature, cowards.
I am very sick at my stomach, because I smell food and my nerves are all to hell. 
What exactly attracts people to each other? And then after the initial attraction, what keeps them together? 
What am I missing? Do I really know what I want? Celibacy is sounding really good to me at this point. 
Should I go back to school? I want to but what would I do? I want to go into radio but there are circumstances there. But by the time I get out of college will they be gone? Maybe...

I can not stay here doing this, I want more. I NEED more. 
I am sleepy now...I need to go home. 

Maybe I should just go back to work at a fast food restaurant and make a little above minimum wage so I can live off welfare. Humm...there is a thought...I don't think so. 


I am very tired.

Various Thoughts

I awoke this morning with the need to stay in bed but I dragged myself up and did make it to work only thirty minutes late this morning. I am in a strange mood this morning and I know that it is the moisture that is coming to blame. 

I have a lot of various things on my mind and I am having a hard time concentrating this morning. 

I wonder if I am doing enough in my life. I give blood every three months, which you can not give more often than that. I am not currently volunteering with anything. I think about other people who work raise kids and still make time to do for other in need. Should I be doing more for the community? Or should I be giving more to those really in need? 

I am struggling sometimes to make ends meet and even though I do (well did) have a nice car. I am making the payments. Of course I am having to work a second job just to have extra things and make it from pay day to pay day. I often wonder because of this am I spending enough time with my daughter. (I know my Queen we have discussed this, but remember I am getting these thoughts out of my head.)  She hasn't really complained yet, but it hasn't been long enough yet. She really is a good kid to be a know it all teenager. 

I want to go back to school and feel in my heart that I should but it will be a struggle. I have done it before and I can do it again. But I really need something besides what I am doing. I am becoming bored with the same ole same ole that I do every day. It gets really monotonous and I just don't want to do my job. 

Okay now here is something that I do think a lot about and my friends get tired of hearing me talk about it, but I don't see what they see from the outside and they try to be as blunt as possible. I have things I would like to work on within myself but don't usually have the energy to get up and start  working on them. But I am hoping I will get there soon. I do not do well with rejection and don't understand why I get rejected often. I think I am a great person on the inside and I am that hard to look at either, even when I am not all fixed up. But today's men want someone that is sexy on the inside and out and will do whatever they want. But some do not want that they just get tired of you easily. I think that is my problem, I am coming across them that are user and not stayers...lol(for lack of a better word). Hummm...sigh...

Now I am tired of writing...i am going to take a nap...wonder if I can get away with it....

My Horoscope for today: 

You're always seeking justice and equality in life, although you're wise enough to realize that sometimes life just isn't fair -- hang on to this realistic viewpoint! It will help you adjust to any situation, be more self-sufficient and be much more effective in any negotiations you must enter into today. Everything cannot be completely equitable in every situation, so be prepared to sacrifice a little bit of what you want, if necessary, for the greater good. 

What does that mean exactly?